Why Am I Doing This?? Good Question! I Ask Myself That Sometimes

In my last post, I mentioned that I currently don’t have any concrete fitness goals set. Yes, there are things that I want to do and achieve, but nothing specific that has a deadline. This has put me in a bit of a precarious and unfamiliar territory. Since signing up with Fitness Print in July 2012, I have always had something, some goal, some deadline, to focus on. At first it was my bikini competition in November 2012. As soon as I said it out loud (and paid the sign up fees), the countdown to November 10 was on. Then after that it was to make it through Christmas without undoing 4 months of hard work. Then it was a trip to Mexico in January 2013. Then it was my first show of the season this year in May, quickly followed by my second show in June. And then, the biggest one of all, it was my Vegas photo shoot with Paul Buceta in August. There has always been something set or something coming up that has pushed me to keep at it day in and day out. I respond well to dates and deadlines J

And now, without anything coming up, and nothing set, I still find myself keeping at it day in and day out. Part of it is definitely routine. Over the past year I have slowly started to rearrange my life to make fitness a part of it. It just fits now. It’s just what I do. But, every once in a while, I do (mentally) step back (usually when I’m on the stepmill- that’s where I do most of my thinking, write blog posts in my head and generally solve the world’s problems) and ask myself, why am I doing this? What’s driving me to keep it up?

Yes, yes. This may or may not be partially true.

On the surface, there’s the investment. If I am paying a coach (a fabulous coach, by the way) to give me workout and food plans, why wouldn’t I be putting my best in to be getting the best out? Or there’s the ‘look and feel’ aspect of it. I like the way eating well and working out makes me look and feel. Pretty simple there. And there’s also the curiosity part of it. How far can I actually push this? How much can I change my body? What am I mentally and physically capable of doing? All of these reasons are some of the mini-motivations that I use daily to help me keep focus. But, then there’s the big one that dawned on me the other day: Because what if I couldn’t?? What if someone or something wouldn’t let me do what I am doing?? Then what? The thought of that terrifies me.

This came to me after three recent incidents gently reminded me that all of this could change in an instant. That what I choose to do might not be my choice anymore. The first, and by far the closest call, happened a week ago when the car I was in was hit by someone driving through a red light. By all accounts, the accident was minor considering how serious it could have been, but it was a definitely a reminder of how quickly things could change in an instant.

The second, a few days later, was a minor injury I sustained while out running. I rolled my ankle, not once, but twice, in one run. At first, it was fine, I ran it off, and was able to walk around after no problem. However, by the time I went to bed that night, it was sore and swollen. I woke up in the middle of the night in more pain than I can remember experiencing in recent history. Immediately, my thoughts went to visions of crutches and casts, bed rest and no running or gym for months. I began to make contingency plans in my head- well, if I couldn’t work out my lower body, I could still do my upper body. I could keep my food plan super tight. I could find other things to do to get my cardio in. Fortunately, after taking two extra strength Advils, I woke up the next morning, and aside from it being a little stiff, my ankle was fine (and has been since).
 

Finally, two days after that I was told that I need surgery… in my mouth. After shuddering at the thought of that (like seriously, ewwww), again, obviously, the first things that pop into my mind were, “What will I be able to eat? How will I get all my protein and carbs in?” and then “How long will I not be able to work out for?? What if this is scheduled for when I am training for a show?” Luckily, while I had thoughts of (and yummy recipe ideas forming for) weeks of protein shakes, I was assured that I could eat fairly normally and even work out the day after the surgery. Phew. Crisis diverted.

In any case, all of these small, little reminders have lit something bigger in me. Reignited a drive, a passion and a determination to keep on going. They have reaffirmed MY CHOICE to choose to do what I am doing. To do what I can do, while I can do it. Because I can.

And for that, I am grateful J

My happy places- out for a run or in the gym :)

 

XOXO

Jen